BEAKS...The Movie

This fascinating documentary details a bird flu unlike any that modern man has had to contend with. Apparently, in the mid nineteen hundred and eighties at some point, birds of all types (mostly pigeons) united and began attacking their human oppressors. Some hippies turned junkey turned scientist in Rome thought the birds had evolved this way as a means of protection for their species. Not very likely but I heard them out. After all people were getting their eyes plucked out by finches.
ACTION
A mother apparently unaware of this veritable prehistoric bird flu began taking pictures of her family surrounded by birds when...oh no! They have united and flown away in a flock ...like birds sometimes do. I am starting to think those drugged up hippies are right. OH BEAKS I cried in my mind while mindless dialog played out.
Then
A gun! an exploded hawk! maybe endangered! BOOBS!!!!!
Then
When a family comes to the beach it is obvious that no birds will harm them. Yep, times were simpler in the nineteen hundred and eighties when folks could send their children to distant motor homes after getting a flat tire to get help only for their kids to find a dead blodied body fall from the door of a mobile home they decided to open to acquire the help they originally sought.
Then
Unaware of the bird murder some people go hang gliding. Angry hawks and i don't mean Hudson, attack riping another eye ooh god, they ripped the entire face off of the hang gliders.
RUMINATIVE RECAP
So I guess the idea is to make corn syrup wounds and gore and let birds go nuts and you got a movie. Oh and don't forget to include a man talking to his penis in third person "sorry buddy, maybe next time". As of course the woman has to go and report on another tragic bird attack.
According to the news woman who is, by the way the main character of this story, birds have declared war on humans. It sounds dramatic but its not. Mostly the documentation of this horrific time in world history, entails finding random people who are doing stuff and then having birds flock around them. Like the family with the camera. Bird terrorism. If stephen Colbert only knew. Bears would be low on the list of problemos (as they might say in the eighties) if anyone in the distant future only knew of the avion threat.
I must warn them.

I wonder though, for real, if filming this was difficult. I mean, so many birds...not that any of the attack scenes are realistic but wow. This is some Nathan Attenborough shit- the estranged reject brother of David and Richard Attenborough.
INTERMISSION
After a short break from this emotionally terrorizing elegant eloquent asphyxiating film I returned by the bright blue light of the tv. The bright blue light that only comes when a vhs stops after pausing or when you manually stop it. Either way it is an elegent sight from your kitchen or any adjecent room realitive to the tv. thank god for that blue light...truth.
MORE ACTION!
Birds killed her boyfriend so she killed a bird. These primitive people without cellular telephonic communicative devicary are really getting the shit end of the bullshit stick.
Fire will make birds not come down the chimney. Its getting painful, the same flock of birds used as "trailing us" and "awfully big" seems to be a completely different one that kills people. And above all the pigeons are the worst criminal but when they show the flocks its not pigeons.

Even though this man seems to speak well enunciated English he speaks it in broken sentence patterns like the directors requested an Asian man to talk like "birds not bad but only doing what nature forces to do."
FINAL THOUGHTS
All these dumb ass "filmmakers" had to do was film a few flocks of birds with synth strings intensely played to dramatize and - voila! - a motion picture miracle. I don't know about you but I hate birds because of this movie er documentary er whatever. my christ goodness. Or maybe it is pigeons.
All I have to say is that gang members murdered my family and this film was truly inspirational as far as redemption and retaliation goes. If I was a bird my father was a man who was murdered by a ninja gang it is fortunate that I have the resolution to know my beak is buried in the metaphorical flesh of their bodies and I am now reborn as a poem in the language of Kane (see "Wax: or the discovery of television among the bee's"). I mean to think that even jesus christ was a bird is un-demographical. in the end though somebody somehow saved the day. Unfortunately I cannot tell you how either because it does not make sense or because I was not paying attention. Either way I have never seen a more accurate portrayal of the great nighteen eighty seven or five or whatever bird flu. Seemed like it sucked.